Dear Facebook friends who share food hack videos,
I want to start off by stating my love for food. I love food. I like eating it, smelling it, and looking at it. I bought a French Laundry coffee table book that had these high-end food recipes when I graduated college because I thought it would not only make me look cultured to people who came to my house, but because I genuinely liked just looking at the food and imagining how good it must have been to eat.
I also want to say I like “hacks.” Lifehacks are like little eureka nuggets that, even if I never use or think about again, give me a little “how ’bout that” moment in the day and makes me appreciate people’s creativity.
What I don’t like is scrolling through my Facebook feed and seeing 30 second food hacks about making pizza pretzels out of Pillsbury dough, jalapeno poppers in the microwave, soda-batter mini corn dogs, cheeseball dusted oreos, or whatever else kind of things you people post.
They all look the exact same and none of you actually make them. I feel like if you post one of those videos, you should be required to show proof that you ate that for dinner that night.
Remember when Twitter came out, and no one really knew what to do with it, so they just took pictures of their dinner? That is kind of what it feels like when I scroll through my FB feed and see a food hack video.
They all start with one of two things: someone whipping up eggs in a white bowl or unrolling pre-made dough. Quick hands pull it away from screen and heat/freeze. Add cheese. Again with the fast hands and dust with melted butter. Fast hands. 15-20 minutes and hey look, you have candy-corn homemade butterfinger balls. Do you know what would actually happen if you melted candy corn? It would take on some kind of mixture of toothpaste and wet cement. Add peanut butter? Now you have a poo-colored gluelike glob of mess that I guarantee you will look like a turd in the fridge. Seriously. Someone is going to come over, open your fridge looking for some La Croix or something like that, and see some little poo nuggets and never come over to your house again.
“Oh don’t mind those, they’re just candy corn and peanut butter butterfinger balls. The fun thing about those is that they look the exact same going in as they do coming out, and with as much -ucose that is in them, they probably won’t even digest at all!”
You know what would be a cool food hack? Take your white bowl, remove all eggs, candy corn, and sugar, take the bowl outside to your garden, and put some carrots in that bowl. Quick hands it inside, wash the carrots, and that’s it. Less heating, cooling, melting, and microwaving, and you won’t have to worry about the stomach ache that would come later with those other food hacks.
I just can’t people.