Dating Naked is…

As summer winds down, and we are all left anticipating the return of watchable television, I am relieved that this summer’s slate of “naked television” is over. I’m not talking about porn, either. 2015 has been the year of Dating Naked, Naked and Afraid, Afraid of what he looks like Naked, Naked Chef… There are full-moon butts on television at 7:00 p.m. and I can’t make left or right of when this became acceptable and why there is such a fascination with “naked” this year.

Now, like any red-blooded American male, I enjoy seeing a naked body. I don’t want to make this post about that but I enjoy passing the occasional judgement as I put a pillow over my belly after a big meal. I┬áthink it’s weird watching two strangers play basketball with high socks and headbands, and nothing guarding their balls but good form and a good crossover… That was a basketball joke.

I mean, how is banana boating naked supposed to tell me whether or not someone is a good match for me? I get seeing the weird parts early can take some of the anxiety out of dating someone, but in 2015, who is really saying to themselves, “sure we get along, but if her boobs are shaped funny I am out of here!” Or, “he is a terrible person, but he can survive naked in the woods for three weeks, so I am going to call this one a keeper. Never know when you’re going to have to naked your way out of a tough situation.”

Basically, bring back scripted shows where writers with talent put together coherent seasons of CIA-stuff, spy-stuff, national security-stuff, scandal-stuff, and mix in a bunch of football and paint me content. I am ready for summer to be over so these damn kids will put some clothes back on! — at least on TV.

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Take me to Ireland or Lose me forever

So in about one year, the plan is to pack the wife up and go on a vacation to Ireland. I’ve only been out of the country on work trips and our honeymoon to Cancun, but that was paid for as a wedding present and we stayed at an all-inclusive resort which was super-nice but it didn’t really feel like a vacation. It was more of a release from all the planning and stress of getting ready for a wedding and we just laid around and drank and ate some sush and beached it all week, which is fine — don’t get me wrong — but it’s not what I would draw up as my “ideal vacation.”

Ireland is what I would draw up as my “ideal vacation.”

I remember being in 5th grade and my teacher, Ms. Bonita (for those of you who know Spanish, the irony in that name gets funnier and funnier every year) would go on vacations and I remember her saying Ireland was her favorite.

I remember her talking about renting a car and driving the roads and seeing the castles and now that I am an old-man 30 year old, I want to do all those things. I want to rent a car, drive the hilly landscape, see some castles, go to pubs, pretend like I like the food while wishing I was eating pizza and sushi from our favorite places back home, golfing, getting rained on, forgetting a poncho or rain jacket because you never remember to bring those things on vacations, seeing sheep — touristy things like that. I want to go on a vacation where we have a very light agenda of things we want to do, but ultimately getting lost in the country and making friends with people whose accents are too thick to really understand what they’re saying.

The food thing does make me nervous. I went to Japan for business and, while I know enough of a smidge of Japanese to excuse myself for being an American, I wasn’t able to convey what I wanted to eat because being a vegetarian in Japan is like being a raccoon in a pet store — nobody wants you there and you can only blend in so long before they try to get you out of their space. The first night there, I knew how to say vegetables to the cook, and my dinner that night was a tomato and a side of mayo. I also had two giant beers so don’t feel too bad for me. KAMPAI!

But in Ireland, I won’t have to worry about the language barrier, but if I want an authentic meal, will they have something on the menu or will I just have to get used to eating potatoes all week? I’m cautiously optimistic, but I’m sure I can google something to make sure we know what to eat and where to eat and how to eat vegetables in Ireland.

Food aside, I’m excited. I’m curious to know how people really live over there as opposed to how Gerald Butler lives in romcoms where everyone in Ireland is a musician whose family has a fantastic farmhouse that’s equally rustic and modern and where people don’t seem to work, just meet socially and end up at the right place at the right time. It’s like movies set in New York — I doubt the people are always so calm when they probably had to spend 3 hours getting from Long Island to Manhattan and nevermind how they afford their apartments and $20 cocktails on a waiters salary…

I’m losing myself… let me get it back…

I can’t wait to go and see Ireland. I’ve always wanted to go and it’s been my #1 dream vacation spot since I was a kid. I have a lot of time to wait before I go, but it will only make going that much better!

Take me to Ireland or lose me forever!