Guest Writer: My Dog

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So a lot has been said of me on this blog and I thought it time to give a little insight in to my world. Basically, anything that has to do with me on this blog gets more attention than anything else Dad writes about, so I worked it out with him to allow me to pen a few thoughts down about what I think about him, my mom, and just about life in general. I think a lot of times I get a bad rap for doing some things that most people might consider normal FOR SOMEONE WHO IS TWO YEARS OLD. So  I want to set the record straight and let the world know a little bit more about who I am and what I’m all about.

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Editors note: all thoughts and feelings expressed in this post are the intellectual property of Rogue Rauch. It should be noted that Rogue has a firm grasp on the English language, however, his thoughts and opinions are that of a two-year-old dog.

1. I HATE Mondays. Usually I protest by not eating or pooping. I do this because eventually, Mom and Dad will catch on and stop going to work. What I don’t understand is how we can have such a good time on the weekends, then when Monday comes it’s as if we didn’t just have the best 2 days of our lives. Every weekend is literally the best 2 days of my life, as far as I can remember. Then Monday comes and shits all over my dreams of a weekend victory lap. If I had one wish in the world it would be to just erase Monday’s from the calendar completely. Tuesday’s, you’re on notice.

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2. Yes, I like car rides. No you cannot keep me from getting excited about the prospect of going out the front door.

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3. Squirrels are ass holes. The way they just run across the street solidifies that fact. If you can’t fly, you shouldn’t be allowed in trees. Simple as that.

4. The only thing worse than a vacuum is getting my nails shaved off. I don’t mind getting my nails clipped, so long as there is a constant stream of treats flowing in to my mouth. Basically, anything with a motor (that isn’t a car… remember, love cars…) should be thrown away and never used again.

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5. Small dogs can be scary too. Yea, I’m 90 lbs. (87 in the mornings, but who’s counting?), but that doesn’t mean when I go up to smell some little dog’s butt that they might not quick-twitch my eye ball out or something like that. It’s best to avoid small dogs at all costs.

6. Car rides > couch time > running > walks > treats. Basically, if it were my last day on earth, my wish would be to take a car ride to Kittles where we could run in to the store and every couch would have treats on them.

Editors Note: Rogue has never been to Kittles. How he understands which stores sell couches is beyond me.

7. A lot of times, Mom will ask me who I love more and it’s not as simple as her or Dad. Basically, I have needs, and they each provide for my needs in different ways. Yes I am vicious and intimidating and I have to protect the house from squirrels and bad guys. Mom gets that and I love her for it. Dad thinks that squirrels can’t hurt us but he is wrong and if I have to spend my whole life proving it to him then I will. Mom also knows how I like to eat and will coax me in to a trace with the way she holds my Peanut Butter Kong and lets me get in to it. Dad is my bro. We snuggle on the couch and watch football like I’m sure all bros do and we both like running more than Mom. He also doesn’t let me square him up and lick face like Mom does. Now even though I love licking Mom like she’s made out of sugar, I respect Dad for not letting me get away with it and I feel it has made me into the grown up dog I am today.

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8. Outside was made for smelling. Don’t try to tell me otherwise.

9. Yea I pull when I walk Mom and Dad. When greatness lies ahead of you, sometimes you don’t want to wait to get there.

10. I know how great I am. I know how much Mom and Dad love me. I know I’m perfect. It doesn’t mean I am going to let anyone know this because that’s when the treats dry up.

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Basically, I have a pretty good life. I might pee where I shouldn’t sometimes or refuse to eat for political reasons, but I feel like I do alright. I am working on a few projects and have some big things lined up. Thank you for taking the time to get to know a little more about who I am.

-Rogue Rauch

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